Being sensitive, holding space, and radical hope.

For a long time, I would be disappointed by people for their actions. I couldn’t understand it and I always felt let down by their behavior, as incongruous to how I saw them. Not all that many years ago, I realized that this is because how I saw them was incongruous with how they actually were - and that my mistake is inherent in how I use what I see. How to put it? I’m sensitive. Not just in the way that got me made fun of growing up, but also in the way that I have access to other pieces of information that aren’t exactly within the “normal” range of experience. Some of these things are categorized as psychic and/or empathic abilities, like being able to actually feel what someone else is feeling, in my body. And all of this information can be really confusing and overwhelming - especially when it’s all tangled up with trauma and unhealthy dynamics. But back to what I came to understand about my experience of other people, I realized that I am able to tune in to who a person really is, and I experience this knowledge at a feeling level.

There are ways of knowing that are intuitive, and the more we learn to use them, the more we come to understand about ourselves, our relationships, and our world. I think that artists are in tune with these abilities in different ways. Learning that I have a strength when it comes to claircognizance (knowing) and clairsentience (feeling), has been very helpful to me. Now, when I meet people, I know that the sense I get of them has more to do with their greatest potential than the level they actually operate on. I’m able to stay out of situations where I, because of my empathy, obliger tendency, and familial relationship templates, would be blindsided and taken advantage of. I know more of a difference between who I am, what I’m feeling, and who someone else is. That might sound crazy, but if you’re able to pick up on all kinds of information and don’t know how to/ can’t process it, it can be VERY confusing.

To parse out all of this info that’s coming in, I needed to put boundaries in place. I needed to have help and support creating a practice. It has to remain in place this way for me to just feel semi-ok. Lately, it’s hard. I want to hit pause on everything and just paint and process. Just staying grounded and mindful is much of my self-care.

The idea of radical hope has been getting me through. It’s been so important to me at the core, and the more I contemplate, the more I realize that radical hope is at the very foundation of who I am. It is tied to the reason that I sense people’s potential state, not just the current one. It’s the reason that I can know, absolutely, in my bones that something is righteous. (Not that I am right, but that a concept has a righteous feeling, I think about it, and my body just knows). It’s like having a sense of direction, knowing which way is North. I’m just orientated to a different set of parameters that is intuitively defined, and the concept of radical hope is a compass.

Radical hope is essentially having hope in situations that have absolutely no hope. Radical hope is wise hope, not toxic positivity. It is a hope that doesn’t deny the reality of our suffering, but chooses to see it all, and take action.

Writings by Joan Halifax, Rebecca Solnit, and Jonathan Lear explore this subject further. I find the concept of radical hope to be in alignment with Catholic social justice teachings, and present in the punk rock community. It’s active. It’s defiant. It’s also very present in post traumatic growth, where there is space, often uncomfortable space, between what happened, what is, and what will be. It is in this space that we may act. This is what my work is all about. Holding space for the truth and the capacity to transform it. Radical hope.

What a great realization to have.

I have known that the work I do is about holding space - for people in portraits, in installation work of shrines and imitation relics. There is repetition of information, movement, shifting of forms. These constants have existed, and I can only see them now that I look backwards through time and media and a plethora of projects. I’ve focused on the beauty of an individual, seeing what makes them true. I’ve created experiences - literal spaces to be in, and prompted an ignition of radical hope in the face of systemic injustice. I’ve made bowls filled with intention and set them on fire. I’ve sought community through my work, connection to others to create a shift. I’ve tried time and time and time again to capture visually, something that I know in my bones, that I feel and experience, that is completely invisible and goes back to the concept of space. It is wild how filled with radical hope it always was, and how I lacked the descriptive words to say it. I have them now.

My work is about radical hope, and I want to share that with you.

January What?!

Where did last month even go?

My dad used to tell me that time only went faster and faster as you got older. HE WAS RIGHT. Apparently year 38 doubles down?

Between illness and family things, I feel like I haven’t spent much time on my projects.

HOWEVER - I have gotten into the studio in little bits, submitted work to multiple opportunities, and taken lots of notes. I spent time at a home show for my day job, and found some artists there. We bought a piece from Katrina Vogel and hung it in the living room.

Speaking of hanging, I helped hang the Women’s Work show at You Are Here, which was a great experience, it had been a while since I’d hung an entire room full of art for an exhibition, and Phoebe Walczak at You Are Here was a delight to work with! The show was great!

I didn’t get to record the new podcast episode for the Dynamic Feminine yet, but I managed to work on more than a few things on my 20 for 2020 list:

• We got a treadmill, so I’ve been walking more.

• I’ve worked on getting 20 good rejections, so far they have either been accepted or I’ve not heard back yet. I’m feeling excited about the opportunities that this is bringing!

• Ran a marketing campaign (towards growing my email list - it’s gotten me more scam emails so IDK)

• Did preliminary research on multiple things on my list - reading, listening to podcasts, writing, observing, planning…

I’m also feeling pretty good about how I’ve handled the pop-up demands on my time and energy: like, family needs, or OH CRAP, I need something to wear this weekend and have to go shopping (I don’t have spoons for that!), or getting a new doctor this month and dealing with some urgent health things. I also started a personal Instagram because I’m missing my friends and family on my feed @jenpalmerart. So now, you can find my personal account (sure to be full of my animals and family) on Instagram @hey_jenny_wren. Keeping connected with people I love is the reason behind my wanting to get my addresses and birthdays in order, so this was a step in the same direction.

Curate is definitely the appropriate word for the year! What are you doing to embrace your passions, goals, or theme of the year?

How was your January? Let me know in the comments or send me a message <3