2020 Reflections

I keep thinking I should have known - I sliced my hand open at midnight last year trying to open a bottle of sparkling cider and was trying to bandage myself up in the bathroom while everyone else toasted to the new year. What a metaphor, right?

2020 was a mess of complicated intersections. I’ll just say that I’m grateful for my husband, my family, friends, my art community, and of course, my therapist.

My 20 for 2020 list was revamped and shifted. I got a few things started, and am adding their continuation to my 2021 list. I also did a lot of things that weren’t on my list, that ended up being important. Like, my boundary-setting skills got a ton of practice, haha. I got to manage an experimental collaborative community art project. My husband and I had a lot of fun playing Animal Crossing together.

I described my experience of a lot of this past year as “having low bandwidth” - this was sort of something I’ve been building up for the past 5 years, and the pandemic + my day job + all the intersections really pulled that back again. I’m hoping to gain some more of that bandwidth back this year. This is why my word/phrase of the year for 2021 is going to be resilience. I thought about how cliche that is, given 2020, but for me, it’s much more than just a superficial come back to like, eating inside a restaurant… Resilience is built into my 21 for 2021 list, and in my 2021 business plans, so it seemed like the perfect word to guide this year overall.

Being sensitive, holding space, and radical hope.

For a long time, I would be disappointed by people for their actions. I couldn’t understand it and I always felt let down by their behavior, as incongruous to how I saw them. Not all that many years ago, I realized that this is because how I saw them was incongruous with how they actually were - and that my mistake is inherent in how I use what I see. How to put it? I’m sensitive. Not just in the way that got me made fun of growing up, but also in the way that I have access to other pieces of information that aren’t exactly within the “normal” range of experience. Some of these things are categorized as psychic and/or empathic abilities, like being able to actually feel what someone else is feeling, in my body. And all of this information can be really confusing and overwhelming - especially when it’s all tangled up with trauma and unhealthy dynamics. But back to what I came to understand about my experience of other people, I realized that I am able to tune in to who a person really is, and I experience this knowledge at a feeling level.

There are ways of knowing that are intuitive, and the more we learn to use them, the more we come to understand about ourselves, our relationships, and our world. I think that artists are in tune with these abilities in different ways. Learning that I have a strength when it comes to claircognizance (knowing) and clairsentience (feeling), has been very helpful to me. Now, when I meet people, I know that the sense I get of them has more to do with their greatest potential than the level they actually operate on. I’m able to stay out of situations where I, because of my empathy, obliger tendency, and familial relationship templates, would be blindsided and taken advantage of. I know more of a difference between who I am, what I’m feeling, and who someone else is. That might sound crazy, but if you’re able to pick up on all kinds of information and don’t know how to/ can’t process it, it can be VERY confusing.

To parse out all of this info that’s coming in, I needed to put boundaries in place. I needed to have help and support creating a practice. It has to remain in place this way for me to just feel semi-ok. Lately, it’s hard. I want to hit pause on everything and just paint and process. Just staying grounded and mindful is much of my self-care.

The idea of radical hope has been getting me through. It’s been so important to me at the core, and the more I contemplate, the more I realize that radical hope is at the very foundation of who I am. It is tied to the reason that I sense people’s potential state, not just the current one. It’s the reason that I can know, absolutely, in my bones that something is righteous. (Not that I am right, but that a concept has a righteous feeling, I think about it, and my body just knows). It’s like having a sense of direction, knowing which way is North. I’m just orientated to a different set of parameters that is intuitively defined, and the concept of radical hope is a compass.

Radical hope is essentially having hope in situations that have absolutely no hope. Radical hope is wise hope, not toxic positivity. It is a hope that doesn’t deny the reality of our suffering, but chooses to see it all, and take action.

Writings by Joan Halifax, Rebecca Solnit, and Jonathan Lear explore this subject further. I find the concept of radical hope to be in alignment with Catholic social justice teachings, and present in the punk rock community. It’s active. It’s defiant. It’s also very present in post traumatic growth, where there is space, often uncomfortable space, between what happened, what is, and what will be. It is in this space that we may act. This is what my work is all about. Holding space for the truth and the capacity to transform it. Radical hope.

What a great realization to have.

I have known that the work I do is about holding space - for people in portraits, in installation work of shrines and imitation relics. There is repetition of information, movement, shifting of forms. These constants have existed, and I can only see them now that I look backwards through time and media and a plethora of projects. I’ve focused on the beauty of an individual, seeing what makes them true. I’ve created experiences - literal spaces to be in, and prompted an ignition of radical hope in the face of systemic injustice. I’ve made bowls filled with intention and set them on fire. I’ve sought community through my work, connection to others to create a shift. I’ve tried time and time and time again to capture visually, something that I know in my bones, that I feel and experience, that is completely invisible and goes back to the concept of space. It is wild how filled with radical hope it always was, and how I lacked the descriptive words to say it. I have them now.

My work is about radical hope, and I want to share that with you.

2019 reflections & 2020 visions

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For the past couple years, I’ve been playing along with Gretchen Rubin, Liz Craft, and the Happier Crowd when it comes to my new year planning. I love this time of year, when our energy is drawn inward and the mood is set , in this part of the world, for slowing down and reflecting on our lives, and figuring out what we want moving forward.

I also pick a word or phrase for the year - inspiration, or a general reminder of what I want, when it comes to things that aren’t on that list. I really needed to get good at setting boundaries, so it’s helped me figure out if I should say yes or say no to something - does it further my overall vision for my life? I think it’s a really powerful tool, which is why my word for 2020 is “curate”.

Last year, it was “embrace being multi-passionate”, which was all about me just being who I am, and having a variety of interests, from painting, to photography, music, social justice, podcasting, reading, beading, and playing Magic: the Gathering. One gain I got from this focus, was noticing how these seemingly different things overlap, and seeing my own patterns elevated through my interests and how I pursue them. Social justice and art - DUH, social justice and Magic: The Gathering? ABSOLUTELY! Through this lens, I got to see my strengths and really think about how each of these things brings more happiness into my life. I also got comfortable with the idea that I’m allowed to do this. So this year, I’m further embracing that empowerment with the word “curate”. Part of saying yes to all that stuff I love was saying no to other things. Which is ok, and I’m allowed to do that. WHOA! Apparently this struck me as vital, because here’s the definition of my word for 2020:

curate

noun

Chiefly British. a member of the clergy employed to assist a rector or vicar.

any ecclesiastic entrusted with the cure of souls, as a parish priest.

verb (used with object), cu·rat·ed, cu·rat·ing.

to take charge of (a museum) or organize (an art exhibit):to curate a photography show.

to pull together, sift through, and select for presentation, as music or website content

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Let’s check this out…

• person entrusted with the cure of souls - healing, caring for the health of, ridding of detrimental factors

• taking charge

• organizing

• sift through and select

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POWERFUL STUFF. I am in charge of the care of my soul. I have the duty to rid it of detrimental factors. I say what’s welcome, what stays, and what goes. Holy boundaries, Batman. (I’m super proud of myself for getting to this point, BTW!)

In 2019, my list of 19 things included a bunch of health goals, finance goals, and creative community related goals. There are a few things I haven’t completed, like organizing everyone’s birthdays and current addresses, and getting the storage space cleaned out to make my encaustic studio, but I did a lot of things this past year that I’m happy about because of that list - like finally participating in book club! I did hard things, like paying off a huge loan, and going to all my appointments (2-3 a week, usually). I visited a Buddhist center, became a THRIVE member, and found YAH Women in Art right after too! I looked at a lot of art! I also played a lot of Magic Arena (even though I only made it through Platinum one season), worked on my oracle project, started a podcast with my friend Jess, launched this website, and ordered that perfume I’ve wanted for the last decade. I looked at campers, got new brown boots, and tried RASA, (adaptogenic coffee alternative) - I love it! I still don’t have a photography project I’m passionate about, but I've pitched a few ideas for grants, and that’s a step. I might scale back that project so I could do it in some form? Maybe? It’s going on the 2020 list!

I’m still thinking over a few things for 2020 (I’ve got a day!), but here’s the list so far:

• get 20 rejections

• put photos on my website

• save down-payment

• explore digital painting and illustration more deeply

• do block printing

• walk 20 in 2020

• write consistently

• make postcards

• do a photography project

• podcast with Jess

• have a really good artist statement

• make new business cards

• explore my visual language

• plan some day trips (Serpent Mound, Polymath Park…)

• find tiny earrings

• collaborative art projects with Alicia & with Meghan (It’s happening, it’s on my list!)

• organize addresses and birthdays

• acquire white tortoiseshell glasses

• clean out storage - set up encaustic studio

• find a good framing solution

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I quite enjoy the whole dreaming up of possibilities, don’t you? What are your plans for 2020? I encourage you to make a list and play along! It gives us a unique opportunity to recognize and support one another. Jess and I will be discussing our lists on the podcast, and checking in throughout the year on our progress - we’re both Obligers, can you tell?

OK folks, I love you! Well wishes for 2020!

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